My Name is Angela and I Can't Balance Our Family Budget

THERE, I said it.  I admit it.

I consider myself an intelligent person, perhaps even a little more intelligent than the average individual, at least the people I run into.  So I'm really not sure why I CANNOT for some unearthly reason keep our budget on track.  I mean I understand how it all works.  Money in = money out.  You track what you spend and stay within that limit.  Not rocket science, however, it just does not work that way for me.  It's not like I'm out there spending money on all sorts of things that we don't have budgeted.  I'm just not sure what's going on.

I know part of the problem is when you get behind on a bill, (for whatever reason), you play hell trying to catch up and that just makes the budgeting of what you have left nearly impossible.  Especially when your kids start school and it COSTS big money just to enroll your kids in High School.  I don't even want to think about college for our oldest next year.  (That kid better get a scholarship!!)  Then comes birthday season in our house, FIVE, count them, FIVE birthdays in one month!!  How do I tell my kids, "Sorry, but no presents this year, mama is an ass that can't handle money, therefore, you get NOTHING, but we love you anyway and HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!   Then you have a husband that when he needs something for his truck, well, he gets it.  And since he's the main bread winner in the family, his truck is necessary to maintain and I guess $100 for transmission oil is necessary when it's necessary.

I am getting to be the QUEEN of finding a deal and I'm using coupons and matching them with sales more and more each week.  It's kind of fun to see how much I can knock off my total at the grocery store with coupons.  I'm not to the point where I can get a whole cartload of groceries for $25.00, but I'm pretty happy when I can deduct $25.00 in coupons.  I shop sales and clearance racks, even garage and estate sales for clothing for myself and the kids (my teenage daughters HATE that).  I'm really trying, I really am.
THEN WHY CAN'T THERE EVER BE ENOUGH MONEY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!l?!


So, this inability of mine is beginning to take it's toll on my relationship with my husband.  He's the kind of guy that basically married someone to take over where mommy left off and I was all too eager to fill those shoes.  Perhaps its a combination of me being such a control freak and him letting me take care of all the details of life and he comes and goes (to work) and is free to take care of the things he wants to.  I also think it's easier for him to have someone to blame when things don't go right.  He can always claim ignorance and be the victim.  It's a passive/aggressive thing and we both seem to really embrace it.

So the question here is How do we stop this?  Well, number one, we need to communicate more.  But when we do that, he chastises me like a child and I don't want to tell him anything and secrets are kept and you can imagine how things snowball from there.  I don't want to be yelled at like a child and I don't want to keep things from him, but I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.  We've seen counsellors, but it's always my fault because I'm more passionate in the sessions than he is.  BULLSHIT!  These people don't know us and cannot know us because they don't live with us and they are only seeing what we present to them.

So anyway, there you go, my no one reading this followers.  My life is a mess and I continue to struggle to put it back together.  Whoever said Life is Fun?!   I think they were high on some kind of magical drug.   I'm not going through any fun right now, I'm not high on magical drugs either (but damn they do sound good right about now, but then that would create a whole other set of problems).  I do still hold out hope that at the end of this very long, very dark tunnel, the dawn will awaken and new sense of hope and love will shine!!!

Wish me luck!!

It's Been A While. . .

It's been a while for a lot of things; so here's a list of  "It's been a while since:"

1.  I've kept up with my blog.  (Not that it matters much, I'm not sure anyone is reading this anyway and I just started it)
2.  I've kept up with laundry.  (Never ending mountain!)
3.  My husband did (or said anything for that matter) nice towards me (perhaps I'll explain this one at a later date, I need to process things and see where it's all going, so sad)
4.  My kids respond when I ask them to do anything!
5.  Felt that I had enough money to do and have the things we need, (I'm always pinching pennies and most times robbing Peter to pay Paul until the next week)
6.  Really stuck to my diet (although I'm still losing weight, so go figure)
7.  Exercised!
8.  Felt like exercising!
9.  Went out to lunch with anyone
10.  Felt truly happy.


The list could go on and on.  I could fill it with sad, negative,  perhaps even some wistful things, but it really takes too much thought and energy to do that.  I think I could better use my time by focusing on the positive and counting my blessings.  Then maybe things won't seem so bleak and sad and hopeless.  


Yeah, my life sucks right now.  But I'm healthy, I've got wonderful kids (even if they don't like to do chores or homework), I live in a beautiful house, I love my dogs to death and it's the beginning of fall in Michigan, which is truly a beautiful time of year here.  So I think I will spend my time counting my blessings and reminding myself of all the good in my life (and the world) to carry me through the hard times.


Now. . . off the tackle Mt. Laundry!!  At least I don't have to go the laundromat.

The Real Housewives or Real Life?

Ok, I admit it, I'm totally addicted to anything Real Housewives.  Try as I might, I cannot resist these shows.  Perhaps it's a life I wish I had or perhaps it's a life that I have foresaken for something more simple.  Either way BRAVO has found the hook and I ate it!!

It all started with the Orange County gals and their glamorous tans and perfect (tranny) make-up and those SKYE tops with the bejeweled medallion in the center of their cleavage that did it for me.  But I LOVE them in all their dysfunctional glory.  I mean I live in the Midwest, although I'm not sure why Michigan is considered the Midwest, it seems to defy definition geographically.  One day I feel like being the country farmer housewife and doing everything myself and making everything from scratch (seriously, even laundry soap, which by-the-way works waaaay better than store bought) and the next day I'm daydreaming of being a big city slicker sophisticate.  I like to think that I can juggle both, but maybe not.  I mean, really, have you seen my photos?  I'm just daydreaming here.  I think I'm more of a candidate for "WHAT NOT TO WEAR".

The Atlanta gals, the New York gals, the New Jersey gals, they all hold a special fascination for me and if I can't watch their shows live I'm definitely DVR'ing them.  Sadly, I've even got my 16 year old hooked on them.  I guess it's better than her watching Jersey Shores or some of those other shows aimed at kids her age.

Anyway, we know that I like the Real Housewife part, but what about real life?  Do any of these women represent "real life"?  Perhaps to them, but I still have to wonder how much is scripted and how much is "real".  I know I'm a middle class mom of four and stay at home all day with them.  I have nothing really going for me outside of the house.  My husband goes to work, sometimes he works out-of-state for months on end and I'm  pretty much a single mom.  I shop at garage and estate sales and they shop at high-end stores and hire decorators.  They buy SKYE tops at $100 plus each and I'm just hoping that the next garage sale I go to is a fat lady trying to get rid of some of her stuff and it will fit me.  I try to do things as elegantly as I can, I make sure to cook really healthy meals that require something other than chicken nuggets and mac-n-cheese.  I try to plate their food up so it looks "restaurant" good, but I still feel lacking.

One thing I notice is that (most) of these women have supportive men behind them that allow them to be themselves and grow and pursue their dreams.  And I think that's the hook for me.  I've been home with my kids for almost 13 years now and have devoted myself to my kids and my husband for all (+) of those years.  I've put myself on hold to the extent that I weigh over 200 pounds and hardly bother putting make-up on anymore.  Sometimes I don't leave my "compound" for 2-3 days at a time.  I totally envy these women.  Not so much the drama, but the fact that they have the confidence to put themselves out there and demand that they matter too.  How do you achieve that without the support behind you?  I mean behind every good man is a good woman right?  How can I make that work in reverse with a man that has no clue that's what I need?  (despite the telling him repeatedly).  It's all about what I'm not doing or doing right or right enough.  When do my feelings and dreams matter?  Am I destined to be a mom and wife and nothing else forever?  How do I stand up and demand some thing for myself?

These shows have identified the dysfunction in my life and marriage, but how do I fix it?

This Time I'm Not Kidding!!!

I got up this morning completely sick of my messy house.  There was dust everywhere (isn't there always?) and the floors had not been swept like I asked ten million times in the last two days and the kitchen sink was full of the remnants from the mon-stars midnight munching!  And the laundry, eh, forget it!

Now, we have a pool and this pool gets used EVERYDAY!! So that means that everyday, there are bathing suits and towels, lots and lots of towels!! There is a clothesline right by the pool for them to hang their wet garments on. Do you think they could use it? Hell no! Everything ends up on the laundry room floor, wet and covered up with more things, sometimes wet, sometimes clean!

So I told the kids, ages:  16, 14, 12, and 11, that I am not the unpaid servant around here and they need to start helping out more and doing some chores.  AND that this laundry thing is out-of-control!  The girls (16 & 14 year old), don't really fall into this category because, well, they never bring me their clothes.  The 16 year old will do her own laundry (thank you Alex) but the 14 year old waits until she has seriously no clean clothes before she brings her laundry to the laundry room.  The boys (12 & 11)  use the laundry room as their own personal walk-in closet.  They never put their clean clothes away and the dirty ones just end up on the floor.  So I told them today, that if they are going to continue throwing them on the floor, I will pick them up, but I will throw them outside.  Not the backyard, but the front.  So after swimming, I guess they forgot, but I did not!!

Now, granted we have a 700 ft. driveway and chances are no one will see their clothes out there, but still. . . 

It's the point I'm trying to make, right?  I mean how much more simple can I make this for them?  The laundry room has three open baskets.  The dark basket is for dark clothes, the colored basket is for colored clothes and the white basket is for white clothes.  You get the point.

Well, the boys went for a bike ride and had to ride their bikes right past the front of the house to get to the back of the house to put their bikes away when they returned.   Do you think they noticed all their clothing laying in the front of the house?!  NOPE!  

At least they put their bikes away.  sigh. . . . . . . . . . . . .

Sweet, sweet Summertime

It's August 2 and already in Michigan things have taken a magical turn.  They happen every time this year and I don't like it one bit.  It seems that immediately something in the air changes.  The sky looks different, the sun hangs in a different spot and the countdown to school starts.  The end of the lazy summer days are almost over.

I watched my boys (ages 11&12) play in the pool with the carefree attitude that one can only have at that age.  The chased, jumped, laughed, splashed and dodged the giant horseflies.  I sat in the sun listening to them with a smile on my face.  They know how to live in the moment and really experience what they're doing.  It made me realize that that is something that we seem to lose as we grow older, more stressed, busier, etc.  I'm trying to take a lesson from them today and bring more "zen" into my life and really live and appreciate what I'm doing.

And since the end of summer is so near, I plan on counting my blessings as I count down the days of summer.

What are you grateful for today?

Leaving My Comfort Zone

Ok, it's day one for me for a lot of things.  I've decided to take my life back after being completely devoted (I mean lost) to  my husband, my kids, my dogs and pretty much at the whim of everyone but myself.  Somehow I've allowed myself to end up in this position.

First a little background, I had four kids in five years starting at age 29.  My thirties are a blur, my forties, I thought would be better, but here I am in my mid-40's overweight, stressed out and sick of it all.  This won't be easy as I've grown lazy about everything in my life lately.  But here's my declaration to make a change and start living my life and demanding that the people in my life realize that I am not their (unpaid) servant!

I'm hoping with this blog to share my life and reclaim my sense of self.  I need to lose weight, start exercising, stop drinking beer, damn that Wild Blue!!  Get our family budget balanced and perhaps find myself a part-time job.

I love to cook, hate to clean, hate to exercise, love to sew handbags and am a huge procrastinator.  I love to read historical fiction, The Young and The Restless and wish I was rich, skinny and beautiful.  So as you can see, it's going to be a long haul here.  I'm funny, in a Peter Griffin sort of way and even though I'm 45 (almost 46-Yikes!!) I still feel like a stranger to myself.  So pull up a chair and something to drink and hopefully you'll enjoy the ride that I'm trying to make of my life.